Harry Potter and Curse Of The Ever Changing Plots
by dress without sleeves
Summary: This is me. Making fun of you. All of you. And your fics. And possibly some of my fics. No one gets off. HarryGinny is slaughtered, HarryHermione is ridiculed, RonHermione is destroyed. YodaDobby, however, is condoned.
1. Ginny Moves In

A/N: I am officially insane. Really. I am. This idea came to me when I was on the bus, going on about how God was racist because there are more black snakes then white ones (don't ask) and suddenly I got this idea for a Harry Potter parody focused on H/G that uses all of the plots from fanfics. So every chapter, the plot changes.

Muahaha.

Review, yes?

**Disclaimer:** J.K. Rowling will come across this fic, and she will cry. Because I have destroyed Harry Potter. All the good that was once in it has been sucked out. It is dead. Dead as a doornail. And she will weep over the loss of her plot.

**Harry Potter and the Curse of the Ever-Changing Plot**

Harry Potter was sitting in his room in during the summer, because that's how fics always start. He was not a very chipper boy in this morning, because he hadn't had his coffee.

And Harry Potter couldn't live without his -

Oh. Wait. What?

Harry Potter isn't a coffee fiend?

Oh, right! Sorry! That's a different story!

So, then. Harry wasn't happy because...erm...oh! Because he'd just lost his godfather! Right! So, Harry had lost his godfather at the end of last year and was probably feeling guilty and sad. He undoubtedly missed the only family member he had left.

Although, he didn't really have him anymore, did he?

Anyway, he probably hadn't had any letters from his friends that made him feel better because Ron and Hermione are probably too busy falling in love to notice that their best friend is slowly but surely dying inside although this is completely out of character.

And, even more out of character, Ginny Weasley DOES notice. Even though she hasn't recieved any letters from Harry. Even though they aren't really what you would call "friends". Even though she's never really spoken to him alone, except once in fifth year.

So.

She writes to him, instead, and for some reason her bluntness, unstead of pissing Harry off, like it should have if Harry were in character, instead made him suddenly see that he was a git and that nothing was ever his fault!

_Dear Harry,_ she had written,

_It's not your fault. I am being blunt. Sirius was cool. But he's dead. And it's too bad, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles, you know? So yeah. Don't be sad._

_Prat._

_-Ginevra Weasley, although I hate the name 'Ginevra'. I still sign all my letters to you like that because I am out of character. Obviously._

This letter showed Harry the light and he wasn't depressed anymore! So he wrote back.

_Ginny,_

_You're right. I know. Thanks._

_-Harry_

And then they began to correspond, and Ron probably got jealous because Ginny was getting more letters than he was, and Hermione probably said out of character things, like, "Omigod! Ginny! That's so, like, great! Because over the summer I got a makeover! And my hair is all glossy now and I'm really skinny and I wear makeup and clothes that are too small! And Ron will, like, love me for me! And I know you never really got over Harry, you just, like, gave up on him! Woah! I gotta go, like, read! Totally!"

And Ginny probably squealed and ran up to her room and mused over how she truly loved Harry Potter and how she thought she had a crush on him but she knows she doesn't because it evolved into something more. And she's probably unhappy because Harry is unhappy. And she probably fills out in all the right places and is suddenly the most beautiful thing since Celestia Warkbeck.

_Harry,_

_Mum says you're coming to the Burrow soon. Awesome._

_-Ginny_

_Ginny,_

_Wicked! Brilliant! Hot stuff!_

_Oh, wait, no, that's American lingo. Whoops._

_-Harry_

_Harry,_

_Sweet!_

_Oh, no, I did it too!_

_-Ginny_

And then, the day before Harry was meant to go to the Burrow, the rickety house was attacked! So, because everyone was rendered temporarily insane, Ginny was sent to stay with Harry instead of Ron or Hermione.

Because that's just the way these things work, you know.

She knocked on the front door and Harry answered. "Ginny?" He asked. "Is that you?"

Because she looked stunning and all that.

"Yeah it's me Harry" she answered without punctuating the end of her quotation. "Can I come in"

"Sure"

And Harry didn't punctuate either because he was desperately in need of a beta. So then the Dursleys just decided to be nice for the first time in their lives and allowed Ginny to stay and Dudley undoubtedly drooled over Ginny and Harry got all protective and growled at him.

"Don't touch her!" He shouted, blind with rage, and then realized he'd forgotten to add, 'You great lump of lard!' so he did. "You great lump of lard!"

And Ginny giggled and Dudley drooled and Vernon went to the drill company and Petunia paled and Harry was angry. And then Harry led Ginny upstairs and she was still giggling and Dudley was still drooling and Vernon stayed at the drill company and Petunia was still pale.

"Wow, Harry, is this the cupboard you lived in?" Ginny asked, completely blowing off the fact that it would be something of a senstitive subject for Harry.

"Yeah," Harry answered because no one uses good 'talking words' anymore.

"I feel so mad at these Muggles," Ginny said, "For doing that to you. They are so mean. I hate them. You deserve better."

Harry nodded. "Yeah, I know," he said nonchalantly. And Ginny gave him a funny look because he wasn't supposed to say that. "I mean - er - I don't deserve better. I've been corrupted and have an inferiority complex."

"Oh, okay."

And so they went upstairs and Harry blushed but he couldn't figure out why. And Ginny sat on the bed and they sort of just remained there for a few moments until, "You can sleep on the bed, I'll sleep on the floor."

So they agreed on that and later that night, Harry had a horrid nightmare in which Voldemort was doing a tapdance. And Ginny touched him to wake him up and the nightmare dissapeared. So Ginny and Harry had to sleep together for the rest of her stay.

But that stay wouldn't be long, because Harry still had to dissapear and get super powers. But that's not until the next chapter, when the plot changes for the first time...


	2. Death Eaters At Privet Drive

**Author's Note:** You can back for more insanity, eh? Well, I've actually had this written for…forever, really. But I'm lazy. Shame on me!

Angel's Touch…you're my hero. Really. You are. And I can't wait for **A Day In The Life Of…**! It's going to be amazing! EVERYONE MUST GO READ HER THINGS.

NOW.

Well, after you read this, that is. ;) Enjoy.

_**Chapter Three**_

_Harry was having a dream when suddenly Sirius walked into it. "Hey," he said._

"_Hey" replied Harry._

"_You forgot to punctuate," Sirius reminded him. "Bad habit. You have everything to live for. There is life. Don't be sad. Bye"_

_"Hey!" Harry shouted to the nothingness, "You hypocrite, you didn't punctuate either!"_

Harry woke up. He seemed to think that Ginny ought to be beside him. Didn't she come yesterday? "Oh, wait, no, that was _last_ chapter," he reminded himself. "And besides, I don't like Ginny, I can't like Ginny, Ginny's just Ron's little sister...she's pretty; wait I didn't say that, she's grown up, what, no, Harry stop."

He paused. "And I can't think of anymore excuses so now is the time for an epiphany: I like Ginny! In fact, I'm madly in love with her! I don't know why, because no one ever takes time to actually DEVELOP these feelings and it starts with me suddenly just falling head-over-heels for her, but that's all right because the author is too lazy to do anything particularly funny in this chapter!"

He smiled in a self-satisfied sort of way, when suddenly his Aunt Petunia called up the steps, "HARRY! COME EAT!"

Harry ambled down the steps - no, wait, that's not right, he was supposed to be _depressed_, damnit! - when he realized: "Petunia! You aren't supposed to call me 'Harry', you're supposed to call me 'boy'!"

His aunt looked pityingly at him. "Yes, I _know_ that, you imbecile, but everything horrid I've done to you has suddenly caught up to me in this chapter and I become a good, caring aunt."

"Why is it always _you_ who goes soft?" Vernon grumbled from behind his newspaper. "Has anyone ever thought that maybe _I_ want to be kind and loving to the ugly twerp?"

Petunia and Harry mused over this. "No," Petunia agreed, "But I think you would be a very ugly softie. But you can try, if you like."

"Mummy," Dudley whined, "This isn't fair! I'M supposed to be the one who comes around! Harry and I have a discussion about girls or something! Come on, it's _obvious._"

"My sister was a witch, I am more understanding!"

"You're the older generation so I'm less jaded and set in my ways!"

This brought an awkward pause, because technically Dudley isn't allowed to be insightful. "Oh, damn," he swore. "Er... pig spell food dumb?"

That's better. Harry ate his breakfast, brooding because he always broods at Privet Drive. Vernon ruffled his newspaper. Petunia did something in the kitchen that is not specified. Dudley ate and... well, he just ate.

The doorbell rang. "Oh, look, a surprise visitor!"

Harry knew immediately that it was Death Eaters. "Quick, go outside!" He urged. The three Dursleys hurried out the front door to be obliterated. "Oh, damn, I should have specified which way to go."

But he would get broody later when Ginny was around. In the meantime, he whipped out his wand and defeated all 761 Death Eaters with super powers he didn't know he had! "Wow, Harry!" Came a voice from behind him. "I know we should have been here in under ten seconds flat, like what would happen in the actual books, but we figured we'd let you handle it for yourself because I was shagging Lupin, Dumbledore was shagging Minerva, and Snape was shagging himself!"

"What about the Weasleys?"

Tonks screwed her face up. "Well, Ron is in his room, muttering about Cho."

"CHO!"

"What? Oh! No! Shit, I meant Hermione. And Ginny is being her normal, Mary-Sue-ish self. Mrs. Weasley is cooking, Mr. Weasley reading his newspaper, and - "

"Why do the men always read the newspaper?"

"Because that's the easiest thing for them to do, Harry, now shut up. The Dursleys are dead and Ginny will be here soon. Hurry on up to your room and get depressed."

Harry nodded and quickly scampered to his room.

"WHY ME?" He wailed, letting out his inner-feelings. "THE DURSLEYS WERE AWFUL, BUT I AM NOBLE AND HAVE AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX, SO I CARE THAT THEY ARE DEAD AND IT IS UNDOUBTEDLY MY FAULT! BECAUSE I WAS BORN! WELL, THAT WAS ACTUALLY MUM AND DAD'S FAULT BECAUSE THEY SHAGGED LIKE RABBITS, BUT BESIDES THAT EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT! MINE, MINE, MINEEEE!"

The door burst open. "Oh, _Harry_!" Hermione wailed, "I heard everything!"

Harry scowled. "Damnit, Hermoine, you're supposed to be Ginny!"

So the author quickly rectified her mistake and rapped herself on the knuckles for screwing up twice in a row. Ginny was standing in front of Harry, her eyes wide with tears. "Oh, _Harry_! I heard everything!"

"Oh no. You weren't supposed to. Go away." But this was just for the moral of it, you understand.

"But I don't care because...uhm..." She paused. "Line?"

_Ginevra Weasley, Act 2, Line 1000089766534678942345678908765432134567890987.3: But I don't care about any of that because I love you! Don't you worry about anything else. I'm going to hug you and make everything better._

_Harry Potter, Act 2, Line 1000089766534678942345678908765432134567890987.4: But Ginny! I am so alone! No one loves me!_

_Ginevra Weasley, Act 2, Line -_

"All right, all right, we get it," Harry interrupted. "Ginny, proceed."

Except, Ginny had fallen asleep and looked beautiful so Harry decided to kiss her and she smiled.

But it was because in her dream, Draco Malfoy was giving her a lap dance.

Oh, _damn._ I meant Voldemort.

I mean, Ron.

I mean, Seamus.

I mean, Dean.

I mean, Neville.

I mean, Oliver Wood.

I mean, Ryan Gosing, from 'The Notebook'.

I mean, Colin Creevey.

I mean, another original character from Ginny's year.

I mean, _another_ original character from Ginny's year.

I mean, _another_ original character from Ginny's year.

I mean, Crabbe.

I mean, Goyle.

I mean, Harry.

I mean - no, wait. Nevermind. That was right.

Harry was giving her a lap dance. Yes.

And then Harry realized that he hadn't disappeared yet, so he did. Then he reappeared in a very pretty place and found out that he was the King of all Elves and was more powerful than even Dumbledore.

So he made popcorn. With extra salt and butter. And it was good.

But his ears were pointy, and this bothered him so much that he just chopped them off. Except, no one likes a DEAF Harry, for the author re-wrote him. With ears. That weren't pointy.

And then she stole his popcorn.

Yum.


	3. DRACO MALFOY, Porn, and Pregnancy

**Author's Notes:** Holla, biotches! GET READY FOR THE SMACKDOWN! WOOOOOOT!

Like your mom, maybe. (-**Angel's Touch. **_Just a taster._)

Erm. Yeah. LOOK, PAWPAW! IT'S THE REVIEWING!READERS.

PawPaw: There are so few left, these days, those Reviewing!Readers.

MawMaw: Yes, it is sad. I miss the Reviewing!Readers of this world.

Mufasa: RROOOAARR! REVIEWING!READERS!

Mooshoo: Whatchoo doin' here, foo? Where all the Reviewing!Readers at?

Edna Mode: How many times do you think you can saw Reviewing!Readers, dahlings?

cough-SUBTLEHINT, CANYOUTELL!-cough-

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

**Chapter Three**

Ginny woke up with a start. "Oh, no!" She gasped, "I'm pregnant!" She stopped to consider this. "But wait, how can this be? I haven't had sex yet!"

She paused to think this through. "How can I have a baby while remaining virtuous?" She tapped her chin and came up with an idea! Suddenly a little lightbulb appeared over her head and glowed brightly. Annoyed, she reached up and flicked it off.

"Hey! Where did my idea go?"

Tentatively, she flicked the light on again. "Oh, I remember!" This amused Ginny greatly and she flicked the light on and off. "Remember! Forget! Remember! Forget! Remember! Forget!" She giggled and then sighed. "Right. I must get down to business." And she flicked the lightbulb on.

DRACO MALFOY, in all capitals, suddenly appeared in her bedroom! "CURSE YOU, VIRGINIA!" He shrieked.

"Erm, Draco?" She interrupted meekly, "It's Ginevra."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. CURSE YOU, GINEVRA! I AM ANGRY! I AM ALSO _DRACO MALFOY!_ VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE!"

"What did I do?" Ginny shrieked in fear.

DRACO MALFOY paused. "Uhm...erm...ah..." Ginny waited expectantly. "You...uhm...hmm..." They both fell into the silence of thought.

"Did I prank you, maybe?" DRACO MALFOY shook his head. "Are you in love with me?" Another negative. "Uhm...did I...speak out against your father?"

"NO ON EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" DRACO MALFOY yelled. "But aside from that, good idea! Yes, it is perfect! Oh, good _job_, Ginny!" He gave her a congratulatory hug, which she returned. "Well, shall I curse you then?"

Ginny nodded. "Oh, yes please," she agreed eagerly.

DRACO MALFOY took a deep breath. "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OUT AGAINST MY FATHERRRRR!"

Ginny winced. "Draco, why are you _shouting?_" She asked, annoyed. "You never yell. You are supposed to be cool-as-a-cucumber all the time. Didn't you know?"

The blonde pouted. "I know, and I want to shout! I never get to shout, and I WANT TO!" Ginny sighed and relented, "Yes, all right. You can shout."

"Thank you. Now. I AM _DRACO MALFOY_ AND YOU MUST PREPARE TO MEET YOUR _DOOM_!"

Ginny put her hands to her cheeks. "Oh, no!" She squealed. "Not my DOOM!"

"Yes, your DOOM! I curse you to... PREGNANCY! PREGNANCY WITH POTTER'S CHILD!" He laughed evilly. "MUAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHHAHA! MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHA! MUAHAHA! MUAHA! MUA! MU! M! MMMMMMMM!"

Just then, Ron burst into the room! "GET OUT, _DRACO MALFOY_!" He yelled. Because he liked to yell too, you see. "HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO GINNY! GO AWAYYYYYYYYY!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

Ginny was beginning to get exasperated.

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

She drummed her fingers on her bed.

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

She tapped her foot loudly.

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

Finally, she felt that she had to take drastic measures. She picked up her entire bed (Ginny! What strength you have! But this was due to super powers that she soon realizes she has because of her life-bonding to Harry!) and knocked out both Ron and DRACO MALFOY.

"Mummy!" She cried. "I'm pregnent with Harry's child because DRACO MALFOY cursed me! Oh, what_ever_ am I to do?" Molly Weasley was sympathetic.

She gently took Ginny's ankle and then looked confused. But, as the author had written her as taking Ginny's ankle, take the ankle she did. "We must tell Harry, dear," she said, stoking the ankle soothingly. "Will you write him a letter?" Ginny nodded. "Good. Now I must go cook."

Ginny was puzzled. "Why?" She asked.

Molly smiled. "Because that's what I do in these stories. I cook. And yell. And then cook some more. And sometimes I wink." She got a particularly dreamy expression on her face. "Yes...sometimes I wink. And then, of course, I cry. I do a lot of crying. Cooking, crying, and yelling. That's me. Just one big emotional bundle."

And then she began to sob, because she hasn't done so yet. "I-I'll j-just go c-cook," she wailed. And cook she did. While crying. And yelling. But no one was sure why she was yelling, except that it was just what Molly Weasley did.

And then the author took pity on her and let her wink at Ron. And all was well in the world.

Not including the fact that Ginny was still pregnent with Harry's child.

_Dear Harry,_ she wrote,

_I am pregnent with your child. Please come comfort me and fall in love with me._

_Yours truly,_

_Ginny Weasley._

And, fifteen milliseconds later, her reply came through the window:

_Ginny,_

_Like, woah! I'm totally gonna have a kid with you! A virginal beauty queen! Lets shag like rabbits, biotch. Get ready for the smackdown between DRACO MALFOY and me. For real._

_All my love, because due to your pregnancy I now see that I've loved you all along,_

_Harry_

And Ginny wept, because the father of her child was so understanding. And she went downstairs were her mother wept and yelled, "GINNY! HOW DID HARRY TAKE IT?" And she handed her some pie.

"Good."

"WELL. HE TOOK IT WELL, NOT GOOD. I DIDN'T RAISE YOU TO SOUND LIKE AN UNEDUCATED IDIOT, GINNY! GOLLY GEE!" And Molly Weasley wept. And cooked. And yelled.

"I think I saw a porno like this once," DRACO MALFOY marveled.


	4. Hermione and Ron Interlude

**Author's Note:** This was written in all of ten minutes at around 1:00 A.M., so I'm very sorry if it's … well, stupid.

On the bright side, it is also un-beta'd and unedited, so it just goes to show: if you're going to botch something up, at least make it suck as much as it possibly can.

A good proverb to live by.

Anyway, on with the show…

**Chapter Four**

Hermione was studying. She did it a lot. It was fun, you see. She was studying in the library, being quite studious and clever. In fact, she was memorizing her book--_Hogwarts, A History._ Because that was the only book in the library. After all, whenever Hermione quoted anything, it was always from _Hogwarts, A History._ She liked to quote it.

It was fun, you see.

Just at that moment, Ron came in. He was loud and obnoxious and talking to Harry. "Hello, Hermione," he said cheerily. "Do you mind if I take advantage of you and ask you to correct my badly done homework?"

"Sure," Hermione agreed, blushing, "I don't mind."

So she corrected his homework, which was, as he'd promised, very badly done.

"Wow, Ron," Harry marveled, staring at the essay, "You're really stupid."

Hermione continued to correct the essay. Several hours went by. And in that timeframe, as Hermione was doing Ron's homework, Ron swore eight billion times, Hermione said 'honestly' twelve billion times, Harry was moody 700 million gazillion times, and Ron and Hermione bickered about the Krum Issue, although it has moot point since the fourth book. Oh! And Ron exploded several hundred times. Because he has no emotional depth.

Harry left. Ron thought about Quidditch. And Hermione finally finished correcting the essay and studied. Then, Ron yelled suddenly, "VICTOR KRUM SUCKS!"

Hermione gasped. "RONALD," she yelled, although in the books she only ever calls him 'Ron', "HOW DARE YOU! VIKTOR IS NICE! AND FOR HEAVENS' SAKE, SPELL IT RIGHT! HONESTLY!"

"I AM NOT BURNING WITH JEALOUSY. THAT IS NOT WHY I AM YELLING!" Ron shrieked. "AND HOW DID YOU KNOW I SPELT IT WRONG?"

"I NEVER SAID YOU WERE! BUT YOU ARE INCONSIDERATE AND INSENSITIVE AND INCORRIGABLE! HONESTLY! AND I JUST KNOW BECAUSE I AM ALL-KNOWING! HONESTLY!"

Ron growled. "SODDING EFFING BLOODY TROLLOP!" He cried after a moment of silence.

Hermione was apoplectic. "DON'T! HONESTLY! SWEAR! HONESTLY! DON'T! HONESTLY! OR! HONESTLY! I! HONESTLY! SHALL! HONESTLY! BE! HONESTLY! ANGRY! _HONESTLY_!"

"I'm sorry," Ron replied instantly, meek and chastised. "It's just that I am truly, deeply, madly in love with you. I have been too blind and cowardly to admit it. But I KNOW that this is true love, although I am only sixteen!"

Hermione tapped her chin. "Yes, I've been thinking about that. Have you noticed that everyone at Hogwarts finds their 'soul mates' early in life? Isn't it bizarre?"

"Do you love me, Hermione?"

"What? Oh, yes."

"Oh, good. Shall we go be sickeningly in love, then, to prompt a Harry-Ginny relationship?"

Hermione smiled. "Oh, yes, let's. Are you going to be dreadfully annoyed when they get together?"

Ron nodded sagely. "Of course, although all evidence in the books points to me wanting this. But whatever. All I can do is yell - much like my Mum once."

Hermione agreed with a nod and snuggled into Ron's arms, which were suddenly around her. "Yes...I wonder what she is up to right now?"

_Mrs. Weasley was cooking breakfast, while crying because the first try had burned and yelling at the stove because it was humming the tune to 'Dracula'. Mr. Weasley sat at the table reading a newspaper. Outside, two gnomes danced a tango._

Ron smiled. "They're so happy," he said, his voice gruff. He brushed a tear from his eye.

So Hermione took the initiative and snogged him until he turned yellow.

Which was a bit strange, actually.


	5. Moesha

**Author's Notes:** Wow … like, the third upload in one day. I'm on a roll!

… But seriously, I want everything that I am ever going go post that's finished just up and POSTED already. It's driving me nuts!

This is unbeta'd, so … crazy cool. And stuff.

**Chapter Five- Moesha**

I was reading, when suddenly I fell into the book.

Which book? Well, the Harry Potter book of course!

Which one?

Well, PoA! What other book could I possibly fall into?

So anyway, I fell in. Landed in Harry's lap. He looked up insurprise, because after all, it isn't every day that you find a rather attractive girl sitting on your lap and haven't the slightest idea how she got there.

"Hello, Harry," I chirped. "My name is . . . ." I paused to think. I needed a new name, a special name, a super-duper name. Something British. " . . . Moesha."

Harry blinked. "Hullo, Moesha," he said slowly. "Why are you on my lap?"

I frowned. "I don't know," I said finally. "I think I fell."

He nodded. "All right, then. Could you get off, please?"

But of course the answer was no, because how is he supposed to fall in love with me if I am not on his lap? "I am troubled," I told him importantly, "But also: filthy rich, smart, know the future and a lot of other suspicious things that I shouldn't know about you!" He blinked at me. ". . .Aren't you surprised yet?" I asked. "Intrigued? Haunted by my memory?"

"No, not really," Harry told me. "Besides, you're not a memory if you're still sitting on my lap."

"Oh."

"Harry, why is there a strange girl on your lap?"

We both turned at the sound of Hermione's voice. "Hermione, this is Moesha," Harry explained. "Apparently I am supposed to fall in love with her."

Hermione frowned. "But . . . the name 'Moesha' isn't British."

Oh, damn. I knew there was something wrong with this!

She shrugged. "Well, whatever. Ron won't be happy."

"What won't I be happy about?" The tall redhead lumbered in. (Which is, in fact, rather hard to do. Have you ever tried to lumber into a room? Bet you can't. Ron was exhausted, and he'd only taken a few steps.) He frowned. "Who's that on your lap, Harry?"

Harry shrugged. "Ron, meet Moesha."

"Harry is supposed to fall in love with her," Hermione added.

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" I cried. "Ron - you're middle name is Bilius!"

They all stared at me. "Yes. . ." Ron agreed, "So?"

I frowned. "Don't you want to know how I found that out? Oh, nevermind. How about this: someone is going to die next year! Someone important!"

The trio snorted. "Sure, Trelawney," Harry muttered. "Will you please get off my lap now?"

"Harry . . . why is there a girl on your lap?" Ginny's hands were folded across her chest.

"I'm Moesha," I introduced myself. "And I'm sorry, but Harry has to fall in love with me."

Ginny frowned. "Oh, not another one!" She finally muttered. "Harry, remember what happened _last_ time?"

Harry furrowed his brow, and then laughed. "Oh, yeah! With Alex Neilan, I believe her name was! God, _that_ was funny. I'm really shallow, aren't I?"

His friends laughed. "Yeah ... or how about the blonde?"

"No - no - the redhead that pretended to be Ginny!"

I growled. "Hey! Shut up! I'm still here, you know!"

Hermione's eyes turned pityingly on me. "Oh, you are, aren't you? Ah, well. Ron? Ginny? Ready?" The two nodded decisively. "Now, Moesha, I'm _really_ sorry about this, but we have to kill you now."

And before Moesha could protest, that's just what they did.

I climbed out of book as fast as I could go. Unfortunately, the trio and Ginny followed me out, still clutching their weapons. I tumbled onto my bed and they fell to the floor. Amazed, they peered around the walls.

"Whoa," said Ron.

"Wicked," said Harry.

"Yes, it's all right," Hermione agreed.

"Hot _damn_!" Ginny cried, then blushed. "Er... that is... yeah."

I pulled out the knife from my beside drawer and grinned. "You're in _my_ world now," I told them, advancing slowly. Then, I pounced, my battle cry ringing in the air:

"_STTRRRAAAAWWWBBBEEERRRYYY JJJAAAMMMM!_"


	6. Time Turner

**A/N:** Un beta'd. Should be studying for exams.

Am not.

Have too much free time. Should be using subjects.

Am not.

Am writing all in fragments.

Is fun.

Read. Angels Touch. Whoa.

**Chapter Six- Time Turner**

Harry found a Time Turner in his pocket.

"Hey!" He cried, "How did this get here?" He studied it carefully. "I'm angry," he said slowly. "So I think I'll throw something." Suddenly, a bright smile lit his face. "Hey! I'll throw this thing!"

So he did. He tossed the Time Turner into the air and threw it as hard as he could into his hair.

It exploded and suddenly Harry was not in Kansas anymore.

Not that he had ever been in Kansas.

He'd passed through it, once, in a dream that involved a hamster and a large vat of sour cream.

But that was irrevelent.

What _was_ revelent was that Harry had always wanted to go to Kansas. He knew a girl, back in his Tortured Childhood, that moved to Kansas. Her name was Dorothy.

He later found out that she had been doing drugs, and having hallucinations about midgets dancing and singing about witches which she crushed with her house. Later, she told Harry that she'd met a wizard in a green city and bought pretty red shoes to prove it.

It was a sad day, the day that Dorothy OD'ed. She was the only friend that Harry'd ever had, until he was eleven.

Which begs the question, where did the ten-year-old Dorothy get drugs from? She must have had a very liberal mother.

ANYWAY.

Harry wasn't in Kansas - or in his bedroom. He was in the Gryffindor Common Room, and four boys were staring at him.

"Hello," said James Potter, "I'm James Potter."

"Hello," said Harry Potter. "I'm ..." He paused, showing intelligence for the first time in this chapter. "I'm Harry Something-That-Starts-With-A-P."

Sirius Black nodded. "My name is Sirius Black," he said. "Are you a transfer student?"

Harry nodded. "Yes. I came here because both my parents were ruthlessly murdered."

"That's a pity," said Remus Lupin. "I'm Remus Lupin."

"Not really," said Peter Pettigrew. "I'm Peter Pettigrew, and my Dad left when I was very small so my mother commited suicide. That's why I'm so messed up, you see."

Harry glared. "I hate you. I haven't come up with a good excuse yet, but I will."

Peter nodded. "Most people do. Take your time."

An awkward silence descended until suddenly Lily Evans burst in. Her eyes glazed at the sight of Harry. "I'm Lily Evans," she said demurely. "Who're you?"

Of course, it doesn't make much sense that Lily should fall in love with Harry at first sight when he looks identical to his father and she loathes James at this point, but that's neither here not there. The point is, she loved him.

"I'm Harry Something-That-Starts-With-A-P," Harry said. "I'm also: sweet, tormented, haunted, haunting, secretive, mysterious, dashing, charming, lovable, talented ... and ... uhm ... well, I think that's it."

Lily nodded. "All right."

James exploded with jealousy, and Remus, Sirius, and Peter set tiredly to putting him back together again. There was the matter of James' missing spleen, but it was solved by substituting it with a sewage pipe.

He smelled for weeks, but eventually it wore off.

"I think I'm in love with you, Harry," Lily said pleasently.

"I have a girlfriend," Harry lied instantly, because it seemed the right thing to do. After all, how else was one to react when one's mother hit on one? "Her name is ... er, agh, uhm ... Ginny Weasley!" He chuckled. "Oh, yes, Ginny Weasley."

_But wait!_ He thought. _Why did Ginny's name come to mind so quickly? I must fancy her!_ He paused. _No ... no, I don't fancy her. That's just silly. Ha ha ha, Harry, you clever beast._

Everyone was quiet, and James let out a peal of laughter. "Hey!" he cried happily, "I'm together again!"

"Welcome back," the remaining five said absently. Lily was still mooning over Harry, who was still freaked out and looking at Lupin for help, who was mooning over Sirius, who was amused by the verb 'mooning'.

Peter just stood there, because no one ever makes him an actual Marauder. He killed them, you know.

"THIS IS MY CHANCE TO SHINE!" James yelled abruptly, and began to dance. "HEY NOW, YOU'RE AN ALL STAR, GET YOUR GAME ON, GO PLAAAAAY, HEY NOW, YOU'RE A ROCK STAR, PUT A SHOW ON, GET PAAAAAAAAAAID, AND ALL THAT GLITTER IS GOOOLD, ONLY SHOOTING STARS, BREAK THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!"

Then suddenly, it all made sense to Sirius. He loved Remus! Remus batted his eyelashes at his friend. Sirius smiled wetly. "No more talk of darkness," he crooned. "Forget your wide-eyed feeeeeeeeeeears, I'm heeeeeeere ... "

But wait! I can't use those song lyrics on this website!

Ooooo, law breaker! What'm I going to do? What'm I going to do when they come for me? Bad girls bad girls, what'm I going to do? What'm I going to do when they come for me?

More song lyrics! Gasp!

"Can we get back to the story?" Harry demanded impatiently. "I was just about to reveal to James and Lily that I am their son."

Silence greeted him, so he continued. "Well, I'm your son!" He laughed happily to his mother and father. They were a bit freaked out.

"Ew," Lily said.

"That's gross," James completed.

"I wear Fruit of the Loom," Peter put in.

Silence reigned and everyone turned to stare at Peter.

"Okay," said a disembodied voice, "Time to go home now, Harry. I don't know what else to write."

Harry nodded. "Well, all right. But don't I get to kiss anyone in this chapter?"

"Sorry," said the voice, "But no." There was a pause. "Well, if you really want to I guess you can kiss Carmen Electra."

There was a snap, and Harry found himseld sitting next to - guess who - Carmen Electra!

"Hello, Harry," she said huskily.

"Hello, Carmen," he returned.

They kissed. It was dull and boring and passionless because undoubtedly the author has never really been kissed and is getting bored of listenig to OTHER people's kissing descriptions and using them. Then Harry went home.

"Harry!" Hermione cried. "Where have you been?"

Harry grinned. "My father's spleen is made of toilet piping," he said.


	7. The Pumpkin Pie Convention

**Author's Note:** Okay, so, I'm sure not ALL Harmonians are like this.

But still. A lot of them are.

And this is my little piece on all of the hubbub about the fact that Harry's hands were up Ginny's shirt and not Hermione's.

This is all I am going to say. Don't get angry if you're a Harmonian – after all, I've been making fun of Harry/Ginny for the past six chapters. It's your turn.

That said…enjoy:D

**Chapter Seven- The Pumpkin Pie Convention**

The semi-annual Pumpkin Pie Convention had convened. Its members were angrier than they'd ever been before. It was July 18th, and they demanded blood.

"This is an scandal!" Cried one, still teary because J Ro _hadn't_ been lying when she said that H Po and He Gr weren't having trysts in closets when R We wasn't looking. "How DARE J Ro write Hermione as acting like the 16-year-old that she is! What was she _thinking_?"

"Yes," agreed the next, "I agree! Sure, Rowling has been telling us for fifteen years that it's going to be Ron/Hermione, but come ON! Who believes the _author_, I ask you?"

The girl beside her nodded vehemently. "Yeah! I mean, they rode bloody and bruised on a criminal hippogriff! It was OBVIOUSLY twoo wuv. What's more romantic than hearing your best friend talk like he's a nutcase?"

This was greeted with vehemenent nods. "And," continued a thirteen-year-old who was picking her nose, "then JK R _dares_ to call us, her fans, DELUSIONAL? MILITANT? I mean, all of the clues were CLEARLY in the books. All the signs pointed to Harry/Hermione! Hel-LO, he totally yelled at her in the beginning of Order of the Poenix!"

The others all nodded, accepting this as common knowledge. "And what's with MILITANT? She makes it sound as though we're ORGANISED! As though we hold CONVENTIONS, or something!" She paused. "...Oh. Right."

"She hurt me," the first girl to speak piped up. "I mean, her words were really painful. It was like someone had slapped me. Am I not a loyal fan? Do I not deserve my ship to sail?" She sniffed. "And - and who cares that the Harry/Ginny fans love the books as much as we do? I mean - THEY RODE ON THE BACK OF A HIPPOGRIFF! Does that mean NOTHING?"

The doors to the Girls' bathroom slammed open. "You," J Ro said flatly, "need to be taken out and slapped. With a studded glove. Go back to writing fanfiction."

And then she threw an anvil at them.


	8. Day In The Life Of A Harmonian Fic

**Author's Notes:** And this just goes to show …

Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny will conquer. Over everything. Including badly written Harmony fics. Like this one. And that one.-points into the distance-

So, yeah. Again, no offense meant. But honestly. You people are so easy to make fun of.

**Chapter Eight - A Day In The Life of a Harmonian Fic**

**Harry**

Hermione

_Ginny_

Ron

**"Have you seen Ginny?"**

"Who, that stupid whore? ... Oh my God! I can't believe I just said that! I love Ginny - except for the part where she's a man eating slut. Ah! I did it again!"

**"Maybe you're sick, or something...were you hexed? 'Cause, baby, there's nothing I'd like more than a night with you in the Hospital Win - AH! I didn't mean that!"**

"Harry, we'd better get ourselves looked at..."

**"You bet we do - I want to look at you all night lo ... eep."**

"You know that I love R ... Rrrrr ... Roooo ... I can't say the name of the jealous, angry pouf known as Ronald! That's not true! That's a lie! He's a lovely boy who - who stands around all day scratching his butt like a dumb monkey and even though I've pretended to be his friend all these years I'll secretly be glad when he's killed off."

**"HerMIone!"**

"I can't help it! I keep saying all these things that I don't mean - so take me, Harry, I'm yours!"

**"Thanks for the offer, but I'm in love with that slut Weasley who shags all the boys in Hogwarts if they pay her enough."**

_"Ex-ca-USE me?"_

**"Oh, my God - Ginny - I didn't mean that, I keep saying these things and can't seem to control - I certainly can't control those looks you keep shooting me, Hermione. I ... I want you to know that I love you deeply and truly and - aaaagh! See? There it is again!"**

_"S'all, Harry. I undastand. After all, I just want to shag you. No strings attached just a good ... er. I didn't mean that. That was weird."_

"It's all right, Gin. Harry and I have been having the same problem."

_"So it's not just me, bookworm bitch?"_

"No, you immoral prostitute."

**"Love of my life, easiest girl in school, I really think we should go get ourselves looked at. And no, Ginny, I don't mean it that way, you pervert. I only talk that way to my one and only."**

"WHO'S THAT, HARRY? ...Er. Sorry. Not sure why I just shouted."

**"Ugh. It's Ron. I hate, Ron, even though I pretended to be his best friend for the past six years of my life. Psh. Waste of air, you are! Anyhoo - I'm talking about Hermione. We love each other! ...Shit. Why does this keep happening?"**

"YOU AND HERMIONE? WHAT? WHY? WHY? I AM GOING TO KILL THE BOTH OF YOU! I AM GOING TO GRIND YOU UP INTO PIECES AND HAVE YOU FOR _LUNCH,_ YOU SLUMBITCHES! ... Harry, Hermione. I'm so sorry; I don't know what came over me - I ... of course I'm ... happy ... for you."

"You ... are?"

**_"_You are?"**

_"Don't be, like, stupid, Ron, you're a horrible actor. Wanna shag?"_

"First off, Ginny, ew - but okay. And secondly, even if it's at my expense, I'm glad my best mate has finally - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU LOVE HER? WHAT THE FUCK, HARRY! HERMIONE, YOU WHORE! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED - found someone. He got there first, fair and square."

"Oh, Ron! That's the sweetest, most mature thing I've ever heard you - God! Why can't you just be _happy_ for us, for once? Why do you have to be such a jealous bastard all the time? I'm sick of your mental abuse! - say."

**"Yes, but you know, Hermione and I aren't going out. Although I sure do wanna get into those panties of yours, Hermione. You know I love you. I'm ready. Are you ready?"**

_"This is so beyond disgusting - let's, like, totally have a foursome! ... Why am I stuck being the bimbo whore?"_

"You mean, you're not - OH, SO NOW YOU'RE LYING TO ME? YOU STUPID WANKER! I HOPE VOLDEMORT KILLS YOU! - going out?"

"Of course not, I don't like - YOU! I don't like YOU! - Harry that way. I like someone else, though ..."

_"Oh, please. You haven't gotten any action ... well ... ever. Like, duh. Totally! Whatever. Bitch."_

**"The Hogwarts Whore and I are going to go ... over there, now. So you can have your conversation."**

_"Like, brill idea, Harry. Totally. It's more ... private, if you know what I mean, eh? Eh? - Do you think they're finally going to...?"_

**"I'm hoping ... look, they're talking - "**

_"Ron's yelling - but he's back to normal now - "_

**"Hermione is smiling, Ron is smiling - "**

_"They are leaning forward ... OMG! OMG OMG OMG! HE TOTALLY JUST, LIKE, KISSED HER! WTF? SHE'S SUCH A NERDY PRUDE! OMG OMG OMG!"_

**"No! Hermione! My one true love, betraying me to the Enemy!"**

_"This is brilliant, Harry! I'm so excited for the Geek and the bro. Totally."_

**"...We really should get ourselves checked out."**

_"Well - I - okay, and - Harry, you've got really green eyes..."_

"Ron ... Ron - look - they're leaning in ... that whore! She's eating my man! Just like the man eaters do!"

"He's eating her face. THAT WANKER! GET OFF MY SISTER YOU BITCH! There's no one better for her. Hermione, I ... I, er ... I really like you, and - "

"You don't have to say anything, Ron. I already know. Asshole."

_And somewhere, in the distance, the HMS Pumpkin Pie hits an iceburg. And sinks. And everyone on it dies. Horrible deaths. That involve sharks. And more iceburgs. And necklaces._

_But no earrings._


	9. If Harry Said So

**Author's Notes:** This is so random I could cry.

But I hope you don't, because that's not quite the reaction I'm going for.

This is unbeta'd, but go read **Angel's Touch **and **Opalish**, 'cause I love them anyways.

**Chapter Nine- If Harry Said So**

"Harry," Ron said one night as they were playing Snap, "Do you think I should ask buy Ginny a chastity belt?"

Harry stared at him silently for a moment and then said, "No, Ron. Speaking as her boyfriend, I don't."

Ron nodded. "All right, then," he said, and that settled the matter.

ooOOooOOoo

"So, Harry said I shouldn't get Ginny a chastity belt," Ron was telling Hermione as Draco Malfoy passed. "He said it was a bad idea."

The blonde turned and sneered in the duo's direction. "Always do what Potty tells you?" He taunted. "If Potty said it was a bad idea to jump off a cliff, would you listen to him?"

Hermione and Ron exchanged glances. "Er - yes, Malfoy, I would," Ron answered slowly, as if wondering about the other boy's health. "Would you?"

Malfoy laughed manically. "NO!" he cried, ran to Nova Scotia, and jumped off the highest platform he could find.

Hermione turned to Ron. "...That was weird," she said.

ooOOooOOoo

Ron was fiddling absently with his quill as he sat in the library, muttering to himself. "Harry thinks it's a good idea to ask her out," he encouraged.

An all-too-familiar voice interrupted his thoughts. "HAH! Doing Potty's bidding again!" Ron started and turned around.

"Aren't you supposed to have your guts splattered all over the bottom of a Nova Scotian cliff?" He asked, confused.

Draco blushed slightly, shrugged. "Yes, well, they managed to find everything but the lower intestine," he explained, "And we think that may have been eaten by the elves that attacked me." Ron blinked, but declined to comment. "And anyway, we aren't talking about me! We're talking about POTTY! You do everything he says! Honestly, if Potty said not putting your head into a raging inferno was a good idea, would you listen?"

Ron arched his eyebrows. "Yes, I would," he said. "Wouldn't you?"

Draco cackled. "NO!" He dashed to the kitchens and put his head into the in-use fireplace.

Ron stared down at his homework. "That was weird," he said.

ooOOooOOoo

This continued until, one day ...

"Hey, Ron. You know what I think? I think it would be a really bad idea to eat yourself."

...No one ever really figured out how Malfoy did it.

Ron turned to his friend. "Oh, that was just mean," he said as he took another bite of lower-intestine pie.


	10. DracoHermione Interlude

**Author's Notes:** Well . . . this is unbeta'd and not very funny, but . . . whatever. I felt like adding another chapter and needed to get this STINKINESS OF DRACO/HERMIONE off of my chest.

The world is brighter now.

Enjoy!

**Chapter Ten – Hermione and Draco Interlude**

The world was dark, and so very, very cold. Sometimes Draco even had to wear a jacket and headlamp, and everyone knew what that did to his complexion. Yes, it was a truly terrible place to be, this solar system (although he _had_ heard the galaxy next door was rather warm and nice, with especially friendly females), but Draco knew that he could never leave. Not for all the alien love in the world. **(Author's, Like, Note?** LOL ROFL! Alien love! Like, get it? LOL!)

Not when all he needed . . . everything that his tortured, tormented, and yet still strangely pure soul could ever dream of . . . was sitting in the library, her nose buried deep into the binding of a book.

Of course, hypothetically speaking, Draco couldn't _be_ in the library at Hogwarts, because he had – we'll assume – been expelled for almost-but-not-quite murdering the Headmaster, but he could not stay away! Not when his only love was here!

"Hermione!" He whispered, peeping through the bookshelf.

She turned at his voice. "Draco!" She cried (in a very quiet voice so that no one else would hear). "Why, you've come for me! In spite of the obstacles! In spite of the danger! In spite of your impending DOOM! How I love thee!" (**Author's, Like, Totally Inserted Note:** OMG! I can't help it! DRACOHERMIONEISLIKETOTALLYROMEOANDJULIETOMGOMGOMG!)

Draco's deep and masculine voice caressed Hermione's skin like butter on a bald monkey. "I could not stay away." He scaled the bookshelf and landed on his feet in a graceful and feerce (**DWS TOTALLY SPEAKING! LOL!** Sp?) feline-esk move that stunned Hermione all the way to her core.

"You are so beautiful!" She cried.

"No, _you_ are!" He answered.

Then they made sweet – AND SAFE – love beneath the shadow of books. (**AUTHOR'S NOTE PLZ RD:** YOU know what's happening, LOL!)

The morning dawned, the hours passing as fast as cockroaches on the hunt. Draco stood. "And now I must – "

"HERMIONE? HOW COULD YOU?" Ron stood between the shelves, beholding the scene before him. His true love and worst enemy entwined in sheets and a bed that was hidden behind the bookshelves and, luckily, no one had ever noticed, because if they had, they would have asked questions.

She began to cry, and yet was still somehow very brave. "I LOVE HIM!" She screeched. "I KNOW THAT HE LET OUR HEADMASTER GET MURDERED AND TORMENTED YOU AND HARRY AND ME BUT THAT WAS ALL TO COVER UP HIS TRUE FEELINGS FOR ME, BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT HIS FATHER JUST WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND OUR LOVE!"

Draco nodded.

"AND I THINK THAT IT'S VERY RUDE FOR YOU TO YELL AT PEOPLE WITHOUT TALKING CALMLY FIRST," she continued, and Draco nodded. "AND FURTHERMORE, I HATE YOU! I'VE SECRETLY ALWAYS HATED YOU. I SOMETIMES WISH THAT YOU'LL BE IMPALED BY A SHARP TWIG." She paused, thinking. "AND YOUR SISTER'S A JERK." Draco nodded. "AND YOU SMELL LIKE POOP." Then she went in for the kill: "AND I HATE YOUR MOTHER'S COOKING." Ron's eyes widened.

The earth trembled. Draco would have nodded, but he was too preoccupied with the motion of the ground beneath him.

A giant, sharpened kitchen spoon fell out of the sky. (**DWS NEEDS YOUR, LIKE, ATTENTION!** This could TOTALLY happen because it's MAGICAL. DUH.) It stabbed Hermione's head and she died.

"NOOOO!" Draco cried. "My love! My love! Now I must die tooo!"

"Okay," Ron said, and killed him.

But then he felt bad, so, just for the sake of things, killed himself too.

Harry was rather put out, but he just went off and sought solace in Ginny, so that made it okay.

The Weasleys and the Malfoys put aside their differences for the sake of true love. The Grangers didn't really care one way or the other, because they had a younger, prettier, more popular daughter named Ophelia who would go on to steal the heart of Harry right away from Ginny and they would live HAPPILY EVER AFTER. **(AUTHOR'S NOTIE!** I hate GINNY. That's why I invented Ophelia! TOTALLY smart, right!)


	11. The Great Beyond

There is a bright white light. Her feet tingle. With the exception of a minor ache in her chest, she feels very little pain.

She hears Sirius crow, "Cousin!"

That's when the pain kicks in. "Oh, God, please, no," she begs to whomever might be listening. "Please, please, anything but this."

He pounds her shoulder. "Welcome to the Great Beyond," he welcomes with a flourish.

"Why are we in the same place?" She asks blandly. "If this is Heaven, shouldn't you be in Hell?"

He offers her a bright smile. "Come, now. What makes you think you'd end up in Heaven?" He flashes his teeth. "I am a mere projection of myself," he explains. "See, I--being the good cousin who fought for life and liberty for all--made it passed those pearly gates into the arms of that kind soul, Saint Peter (who is, by the way, very much like Dumbledore except that he's much better at the polka). And you--being the evil cousin, who murdered helpless innocents and wore entirely too much black--have been damned to burn in the eternal fires while praying for redemption etc., etc., etc. and so on and so forth."

Relief flows through Bellatrix. She imagines fire and burning ash.

Oh thank God, she thinks. It's like home sweet home.

Suddenly there is an undeniable scent in the air. Bellatrix sniffs. Horror seeps into her blood. "Oh, no," she pleads then, falling to her knees. "Oh, no, Sirius, please, no--"

And quite suddenly, a little pink butterfly lands on her nose.

She tries to squash it but it gets away to flutter around her face. Flowers begin to sprout in the bright grass around her. Sirius is beaming. "Hey!" He cries, "'Dora! You made it!"

Bellatrix turns to see her absolutely unbearable niece approaching, tripping over her own feet and hair color changing so rapidly it hurts Bellatrix's eyes. "Go away," she commands. "For the love of everything holy, Nymphadora, leave me alone!"

"Auntie," Nymphadora scolds, "Aren't you glad to see--oof!"

She trips over her own feet and flies onto her aunt. The touch burns, reminding Bellatrix of lollipops and rainbows and all sorts of horrendous things that are suddenly--oh God! Suddenly appearing around her!

"It's just going to be us three for the rest of forever, Auntie Bella," Nymphadora says cheerfully, accidentally biting her tongue in the process.

"Actually, that's not true," Sirius interrupts.

A shred of hope blooms in Bellatrix's heart. "What?" She asks hopefully.

There is a bright laugh from behind her. Bellatrix shuts her eyes in terror and sends chills to her very soul. "No," she murmurs. "Not you. Please. Please. Not you. Anyone but you."

She turns slowly, half-praying that she will not see who her hears have predicted.

There, standing in a little cluster of cheerful daisies, was Fred Weasley. He is riding piggy-pack on Albus Dumbledore. "Lemon drop?" the Headmaster offers. Fred pops the little candy into his mouth. "Yes, please, I don't mind if I do."

He tosses Bellatrix a mysterious purple sweet. "Go on, Bella. Try a bite."

"Will it kill me?" She asks hopefully.

Dumbledore simply smiles, his eyes twinkling. Fred's grin looked painfully cheerful, not at all hindered by the loss of his brother. Sirius began to whistle the old school song and Nymphadora struggled to kick off her shoes, tripping over herself and getting tangled in a particularly long-stemmed batch of sunflowers.

The little pink butterfly whizzed over head.

Bellatrix threw up.

So this is hell, she thought.


	12. Dora the Explorer Interlude

Author's Notes: This show

**Author's Notes:** This show. Freaks. Me. Out. My little cousins are obsessed… and it terrifies me for the sake of our future generations.

Interlude: Dora the Explorer

Harry woke to the sound of…someone speaking Spanish? He slowly pulled the curtains from around his bed and took a moment to be properly astonished at the sight in the middle of the boys' dormitory.

It was a young girl, Hispanic in origin, with an unnecessarily large purple backpack and a monkey. That was wearing boots.

At a glance, Harry noticed that the other boys were already awake, staring at the pair with undisguised fascination/horror.

"_Ay Dios mio_!" The girl cried. "Do you know the way to Marijuana City, Boots?"

"No I don't, Dora," said the monkey.

"No need to panic, mate," Ron murmured slowly, "But I think that monkey just talked."

"Is this some sort of ploy of Voldemort's?" Harry asked, glancing around for death or despair of any kind.

"If we don't get to Marijuana City before Swiper, he's going to take all ganja!"

"Well, let's ask the Map!" The monkey suggested, looking overly pleased with the suggestion. "It's in your… _backpack_!"

The music came from nowhere, but it shook all of the boys out of their beds and into a huddle in the corner. Neville's pants were wet.

"Backpack, backpack," sung the—the _thing_ on the girl's back. "I am a backpack, boop boop boop. Check out this map!"

Harry tried to tear his eyes away, but he couldn't. All he could see was the map, as it presented him with aesthetically pleasing visuals of the journey that the girl and her freakish talking monkey were about to embark on.

As the map popped itself back into the purple Bag of Death, Dora turned to the boys. "Do you remember how to get to Marijuana City?" She asked, and gave a sufficient amount of time—which was spent largely by blinking in silence, on the part of both parties—until she said. "That's right! First we go to the Land of Blow, then through the River of Jose Cuervo, and finally over the Mountain of LSD!"

"Thanks for your help," Boots said.

Ron's voice trembled as he spoke. "Who are you?" He asked.

"I'm Dora!" The girl said, her voice high and excited. "And this is Boots! And this is my Backpack! And these are my shoes! And this is my quest: to get to Marijuana City and smoke all the hash I possibly can before Swiper the Fox gets his dirty little paws on my hallucinogen."

"Oh," Ron said, weakly.

Then suddenly, without any explanation, a white-ish, yellow-ish fox burst through the door. Dora gasped. "Swiper, no swiping!" She cried. "Maybe you guys can help us. Do you see which direction Swiper is going?"

There was another long silence, filled with much blinking and bewilderment.

"That's right!" Boots cried after the moment had ended. "He's going through the _window_! Hurry, Dora! We've got to get to Marijuana City before Swiper!"

"But how do we get out of the window without crashing to our bloody deaths?" Dora wondered aloud.

Harry offered timidly, "Um, I could help you with magic."

Dora and Boots blinked at him. "GREAT IDEA!" Dora shouted after a moment. "We'll use the parachutes that I just _happened to pack_ this morning when I was filling my backpack but miscellaneous but still conceivably useful objects! _Gracias_!"

"I… don't speak Spanish," Harry admitted.

But they were already gone, like two hurried angels. The girl and her monkey were out of the window, floating down towards the ground with cheerful cries of "backpack, backpack" and "_que divertido!_"

The boys were quiet for a long time, blinking.

Then, in a relieved sort of voice, Seamus said: "Well, mates, I think we might have gone a little overboard with the Firewhiskey last night, eh?"

And they all laughed, like the very best friends they were.


End file.
